I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
You Might Also Like
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”