The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
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I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
another case of gang violins
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.