DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
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nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Love is in the air fryer.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Passed by a old school Math example today.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
was Jim off killing horses or…
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.