I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
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I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.