I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
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At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..