Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
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Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake