Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
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Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy