Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
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I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
my sentiments exactly
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
the pigeons are already plenty salty
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died