Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
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If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.