I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
You Might Also Like
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
he was correct
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
twitter is a journey
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.