I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
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In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
I just love that new Pope smell.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”