“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
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Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.