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Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?