I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
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Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die