[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
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I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong