As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
You Might Also Like
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill