The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
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This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
My love language is deader than Latin
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha