my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
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Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.