My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
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Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.