[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
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[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
craving $300 all of a sudden
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Hello Twits.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
See..?
.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
kids play hide and seek like
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize