I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
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An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.