HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
You Might Also Like
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?