It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
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There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”