There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
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Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
the three branches of government
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]