7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
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8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
😅😅😅
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”