H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
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Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears