Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
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Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
No. He’s not coming out to play
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name