[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
You Might Also Like
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Guilty! 🤪
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics