Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
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This meal prepping shit is easy
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Personal question. #JustSaying
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
BRO LMFAO
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.