Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
You Might Also Like
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.