[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
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Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed