abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
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I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!