If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
You Might Also Like
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.