Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
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3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.