(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
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My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Hello, my name is Pierre.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Who chose this font
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh