Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
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Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape