my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
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Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
🤣🤣🤣
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.