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Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that