reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
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Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Who did it better?
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
What in the hipster hell is going on here
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second