Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
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Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.