Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
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Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Hit me in the face with a bird
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not