the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
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My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Roses are red, you always mattered,
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT