NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
You Might Also Like
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.