Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
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Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
I am crying
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.