[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
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The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.