Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
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Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
🤣could you imagine
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.