Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
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You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.