mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
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Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON