Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
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*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I thought this was funny lol
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.