[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
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Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Breaking news:
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.